Jesse

I AM THE ONE

I am the one who moved to South Carolina before 2^nd grade.

I am the one who started being raped at age eleven; this continued until age twelve.   It was my mom’s boyfriend.  You need to know that no matter what the threat, if you don’t say something it won’t ever stop. “ You better not say anything you little bitch! Unless you want to watch your mommy and your wimp ass little brother die, I suggest you keep your mouth shut or you’ll get what they’ll get.”

On the bad days I remember that someone else has it ten times worse than I do.

I am the one who felt real love at age fourteen. I met a boy, he was sixteen and I was fourteen. We started dating; he was at the age when he wanted sex. But I wasn’t ready because of what had happened to me in the past. After eight months I thought I could and so we did. We broke up after that.  We went our separate ways and I went “a lot of” boy crazy.

I am the one who decided that sex is all I had to offer. Years later I realized that isn’t true at all.

I am the one who thought that all boys wanted from me was sex. I made a really bad name for myself. Flirting, going out of my way to be the center of attention, going as far as taking my top off at a party in front of strangers. I was drawn to the older boys and the older parties. I thought my worth was measured by what I gave out sexually.

I am the one who didn’t want to be making these mistakes, even though I was creating them. I was waiting for someone to notice that my scandalous actions were taking a toll on my life, my reputation. 

I am the one who was trying to fill something.    

        

I am the one who wants to feel happiness more than I want to let my past hurt me.  I won’t forget my regrets because they’ve made me who I am. I won’t forget the bad things I’ve done, because they guide me to do right. I can’t forget the painful things that have been done to me, because it’s all fuel to the fire burning inside me; to be a better me, a happier me, for my deserving son and for myself.  

What Could He Be Thinking ?

            I woke up this morning to a smiling baby boy and the sun was shining through dusty windows. I could just feel like this was going to be a good day.

            Trying to get us both out the door in the morning is always quite a show. Our beginning routine starts with giving my son breakfast and getting us both dressed. I clean up his sticky cheeks that smell like cinnamon apples and try to do my hair all at once. I can forget about doing my make-up if I haven’t given him something exciting enough to occupy him for more than one whole minute. What is required is usually something that on a regular basis I would say no to, but just this once if letting him bang the blow dryer on the floor is going to spare me some time, I’ll let it slide.

            When I feel like I can’t do anymore to get us both ready, I sit my son on my lap for a quick snuggle. After only a minute, we both hear a “beep”. My silly little monkey still jumps a little every time. The white PCC van is here, off to school we go.

            On the way to school I stare at him, he stares out the window at the passing trees and cars; I wonder what he might be thinking. Does he know where we’re going? If he does, then later today will it be on purpose that he gets so upset I’m asked to leave English class to soothe him? When he fusses and cries, what is he really trying to say?

            The thought of my infant son planning on interrupting my day makes me get a funny feeling inside. On one hand it makes me wish he could understand a lecture. I’d tell him, “The only reason I’m leaving for a little while is to better myself for you”. Then I take a deep breath and think; it makes me nothing but happy that he loves me and misses me enough to make sure everyone knows a simple truth. There are times in his day when nothing else except mommy can make him better.